This morning I was taking a nap on the train as usual. As soon as we got to the Embarcadero station I woke up as usual. We were waiting for one of the trains to pass by so I closed my eyes and waited for the train to get to the Montgomery station. The train was still re-positioning so I kept my eyes closed. Then someone swats me on the shoulder. I thought it might be someone I knew but it wasn't. It was a man I had never met before. How mean. He might have thought that I'd oversleep and miss the stop by I was well aware of my surroundings. He may have thought he was tapping me on my shoulder but he actually hit me pretty hard. What an A-HOLE!!

I just realized that I wrote this entry a while ago (the day before Valentine's) but never published it. Still writing my entry on about my vacation which I hope to publish soon. --------------------- Valentine's Day is tomorrow. A day to celebrate love. Unfortunately for me not a day I'm eligible to celebrate. I had a love but I lost him. I was stupid. I let him go and I let him go in the worst way. He was my soulmate, my one love. He had asked me to marry him (albeit on the phone) but I had said no. He wasn't there. There was no ring. That was almost ten years ago. But sometimes I think back on that day and wish I had said yes.

First there was Joey, my first high school boyfriend. I think I went out with him just to rebel. Then there was Scott, my second high school boyfriend. I think I went out with him because I was lonely and he was someone who I could talk to. Then there was James, the love of my life.

I had met him at work, Fenton's. I was a waitress and he was an ice cream dispenser. I was 20, he was 17. I was in college (junior college) and he was in high school. I remember the first time I saw him (at the time I thought it was the first time I saw him). It was a Friday night. I had just started working that week (I think it was my second day at work). He walked into the back and was wearing a blue sweatshirt. I just stared at him thinking how gorgeous he was.

I had found out that he was in band and played the drums. He had found out that I went to Los Medanos and said that they have a good music program. I told him that I know. My last boyfriend was majoring in music and was in band. We had something in common. Eventually I had grown the hugest crush eventhough I knew he had a girlfriend, Martha. He eventually broke up wih her, but he would tell me about his prom and senior dance dates with Jane which made me jealous.

The Summer of 1991 was one of the best summers. After work, we'd hang out with other co-workers. It was the summer of parties (no drinking for me though) Lyon's Walnut Creek, capturing the flag and hide&seek, Lyon's Pleasant Hill, trips to SF for dancing at the Palladium. There was one night I remember. Josh had a crush on me but he knew I liked James. I don't know if it was Josh's way of flirting but he took off my shoe but James came to my rescue and got it from him. There was that one night we walked up the hill to Veterans Memorial Concord and gazed up at the stars. There was that one Jazz Band Concert that Scott was in but James and I tagged along for. And there was that one night that Josh, Liz, James and me shared a motel room because Liz was too tired to drive up to Benicia. Liz and Josh in one bed, James and me in the other. I couldn't sleep that night knowing that he was just a few feet away. But who knew...that was the first of many nights to come.

Then there was that night at Celi's house when we were watching videos. Out of the blue he kissed me. It was the most amazing kiss. Then we went to the park in Benicia and talked. It was official. We were boyfriend and girlfriend.

For the next year, we saw each other every day. At school and at work. I'd visit him at his uncle's house in Walnut Creek or he'd come over to the apartment in Benicia.. Living together in Walnut Creek the summer of 1992. Then his brother gets him a job in Long Beach so he moves there, but the job falls through. I visit him once. Then a few months later he tells me he's joining he Air Force. I was so furious because he knew how I felt about the military. But we eventually made up and he came to visit before he left for basic training. A few months later I was going to start college in RIT so we decided to break up. It was a mutual breakup but I still loved him. On my way to Rochester, made a stop over in Denver when James was still in training. I was so happy to see him. We only spent a few hours together and when it was time to go I couldn't stop crying. At RIT I started hanging out with the guys. Flirting, wrestling, dating.. All the while James and I were still talking. He'd call me at night and on the weekends. I  told him about Andy, Robin, John, and Jim. Towards the end of the school year, he confessed and told me that he was drunk and slept with someone. I was so upset even though we weren't together. Andy and I began to get close. If I hadn't had to leave for California and Guam for Summer vacation. He and I would be together. But James and I made up and were together by the end of the summer. I still liked Andy a lot but I felt that James was my soulmate. James made plans to drive up to Rochester from South Dakota for a week. I knew it was going to be awkward between James and Andy. James and I drove to Toronto to catch Miss Saigon. The drive started okay. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him and I just had be near him. But as we neared Toronto we got lost and got into an argument. That night in the motel room he stayed on one side of the bed and I on other. We eventually made up the next morning. We got to the theater but his seat was at the other side of the theater. I wish he was near me. We drove back to Rochester driving through Niagra Falls. We spent almost every hour with each other except when I was in class. He'd walk me to/from my classes. He'd even wait for me while I was in meetings. Everyone would say how cute we were. Then he had to return to the base. That was the last time I'd see him. We continued  to talk to each other on the phone and write letters. A few months later before he's scheduled to leave for Italy, he proposes on the phone but I refuse his offer...What was I supposed to do?? It was over the phone. He didn't have a ring. I just thought that he was doing it because he was insecure and was jealous about Andy or Joe or Eric. I also wanted to wait until after I graduated college. Plus, I didn't want to be an Air Force wife. He seemed to understand. We continued to talk and write letters before he left for Italy even while I was on co-op. I thought that he'd surprise me and propose to me in person. But when he moved to Italy the number of letters decreased and there were no phone calls because it was too expensive to call. I thought that he'd surprise me for my graduation but that didn't happen. For years, I continued to think about him. Tried to forget about him by working. Then after my dad died, I found him on classmates.com and emailed him. He emailed back--a sweet and thoughtful email. That was four years ago and there hasn't been any emails since.

I've moved on. He was the love my life (at that time of my life). But I realize that he isn't now. The breakup may seem painless but it was extremely painful because there was no closure. He had left me hanging. At times I think he'd come back. Sometimes I'm so angry at him and wish that I hadn't met him and think that I spent almost 15 years on something worthless. He's made me not trust men...think that I'll just get hurt again. But then I realize he made me who I am. I'm stronger and more independent. At least I know what it feels to really love someone and know more about who I'm looking for. 

Still on vacation (currently in Vegas) but I just had to blog about a couple of things before I forget. It's a vacation for 123. The second leg of the trip was spent in Anaheim, CA. We stayed at the Anaheim Islander Inn and our room number was 123. The third leg of the trip was spent in Williams, AZ. I checked in then went back to the van. I asked everyone to guess what our room number was. Jordan says "123". Yep. I thought that was so funny because when we taking pictures the day before I would say 1-2-3. Another funny thing? I love being the driver because I get to play my CDs. On our previous road trips (LA and South Lake Tahoe in 1998, LA and Reno in 1999, Canada in 2002, SD/Anaheim/LV in 2003) Liz only played her music. Anyways, a couple of my CDs has "Blurry". Jordan and Jermaine have decided to revise the lyrics and sing "Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? When you shove it in my butt, butt". They are so funny. Sometimes they are so annoying...being naughty, not listening (Michelle and Patrick are so lax with them...at least up until they hit a point) but that was one of the funny things I'll remember on the trip.

Finally, Liz and Brian have tied the knot. Sunday June 5th was the wedding and Monday was the opening of gifts. No more responsibilities. No more stress (at least none related to the wedding). I've been really stressed the past couple of months. First I had to prepare for bridal shower. At times I regretted volunteering to have it at my house even though I'm not in the wedding party. I felt bad that Annette was too busy. I had to coordinate the planning with Jan, Brian's mom. Worrying about the guest list. Worrying about the favors. Worrying about the prizes. Worrying about the games. Worrying about the food and drinks. Worrying about the chairs. Worrying about the house being cleaned. Finally had the shower and I thought the stress would go away. But a week later, mom and Auntie Ely arrive. Have to drive them around. Then Michelle, Patrick, Jordan and Jermaine arrive. Have to worry about shopping for clothes for them. Have to worry about shopping for me--another dress, makeup. Will add more details about the wedding, the SF Giants game and the vacation road trip in separate blogs.

I've got to find a new dress for the wedding. I've been looking but haven't found one that's better than the red dress I got at Ann Taylor Loft over 6 months ago. It's a great dress but it's red. Don't want to outdo the bride. I think I'll try Macy's and Petite Sophisticate. If not, I guess I'll wear an old dress. Wish I could wear the red dress. Gotta practice on my hair and make up. Not sure what I'll do with my hair. I guess I'll curl it differently and put some of it up. Glad I got a lighter shade of MAC Studio Fix. Now I don't look too tanned/red. Now I gotta try mascara, eyeshadow, eyeliner, and blush. Haven't had to wear so much makeup in years. Haven't been in the mood because lately I've been feeling that there isn't anyone worth trying to impress. Just gotta be myself. But I gotta look good for the pictures. Gotta get a pedi and a mani. Haven't had one in months not since December before the Holiday Party. Gotta start the Crest whitening strips again because I've been drinking too much coffee. Gotta prepare myself for all the questions. Forgot to mention that at Austin's Graduation Party last Friday it has already started...people asking if I had a boyfriend, when I'm going to get married and have kids. Uugghh... I knew it was going to start but didn't think it would start until next weekend at the wedding. I don't have a date for the wedding. I'm not close to anyone who's worth asking except Scott. But I don't want anyone to think that he and I are together again especially since it's been about 15 years. He's a great friend but I'm not attracted to him. Not since James. Hmm. For a while I thought about what if I were to "hire" someone. Like "The Wedding Date" with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney (which I've been meaning to watch but haven't--if it's out on DVD maybe I'll rent it tomorrow). But I'm not that desperate. Maybe I should just be honest and tell them: No I'm not married. No I don't have kids. No I don't have a boyfriend. And NO I'm not gay. Yes, I know my two little sisters are now married. I could have been married and have kids by now, but ten years ago when my last boyfriend, the love of my life (at the time), asked me to marry him over the phone before he was shipped off to Italy I told him that I didn't want to be a military wife, that I wanted a ring, and that I didn't want to get married until after I graduated from college. Then a year later he stopped calling, stopped writing. Since then, I've been picky, wary of men, and compare every guy to him. So there... Oh just to see their faces. Anyways too many things I gotta, gotta, gotta do to prepare myself for the wedding.